I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
