I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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