There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
