This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
