whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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