i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
