The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
