I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
