"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize