At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
