feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
