who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
