The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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