you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
