please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
