Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
