I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
