Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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