she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
