The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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