when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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