i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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