Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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