I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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