um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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