I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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