GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
