i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
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