they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
