i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You took a bar mat shot.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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