I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
