Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
