I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Randomize
