textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
