Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Randomize
