I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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