I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
