Soap is not a condiment
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
