you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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