My first STD was from a foam party
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Two words: blizzard sex
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
