She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
