i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
she looked like the before picture.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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