Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
