Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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