Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
