And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
