I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
