Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
