dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
