you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
