A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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