So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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