I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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